Depression in my life & out of my life

I was writing someone else & thought of you. I hope you are not insulted by the hand down. It is a lot to write twice. So I copied & pasted the letter so you could read it to. I hope it blesses you, it encouraged me to recall these things after a very trying week.

Love your sis.

I have not seen many prayer request from you. You post in the lounge a lot. One of the lies of the devil is making us believe our circumstances can MAKE us depressed. We have the nature of Jesus on the inside. I keep meeting people with this problem - I was delivered from depression. The thing is I had to keep changing my thinking. God demanded me to change my perspective after a while. It was not something He addresses like a problem you are not responsible for. I remember when He told me very loudly - "you have dwelt around this mountain long enough!" I though, what does that mean. I turned to the passage & read about God dealing with the children of Israel. They were not moving forward because of their resistance to believing Gods' Word. They always took on a victim mentality. I read how He was very upset when they said they were as grasshoppers (insignificant & weak) in comparison to their enemies, this after God sent them to take the land. He said it was an EVIL report. When they talked of turning back - that they were always rejecting Him! I read in Jeremiah when He asked God if He was like a deceitful brook (a brook made when a river rises & disappears when it goes back down). Jeremiah chapter 15 says:

17I sat not in the assembly of those who make merry, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone because Your [powerful] hand was upon me, for You had filled me with indignation. 18Why is my pain perpetual and my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will you indeed be to me like a deceitful brook, like waters that fail and are uncertain? 19Therefore thus says the Lord [to Jeremiah]: If you return [and give up this mistaken tone of distrust and despair], then I will give you again a settled place of quiet and safety, and you will be My minister; and if you separate the precious from the vile [cleansing your own heart from unworthy and unwarranted suspicions concerning God's faithfulness], you shall be My mouthpiece. [But do not yield to them.] Let them return to you--not you to [the people]. You see, I have never met anyone who really was zealous toward God who lived a comfortable life! I know I do not. It provokes us to seek after God but it causes us to be alone & rejected. Look at how Jeremiah said, it was because Gods' Hand was upon him. ] I remember after I was harassed out of BFM, a church I really loved & placed my identity in. I had learned what my gifts were in there. When I first went there many manifestations of the Holy Spirit was there & the pastors encouraged us to use them - to listen to the Holy Spirit & do what we felt in our hearts. To hear from God was what I wanted my whole life & even though I was filled with the Spirit at my grands' house & He usually spoke to me first in the house - I would hear confirmation at this church almost every time. I knew God sent me there. Then things changed. It became a dry place as the pastors tried to control things & make sure no word be brought forth that offended the big shots in the church. They ignored those who had obvious gifts & put dead, unholy but money people in positions. These people hated me. They used to ask out loud whenever I went up to give a Word from the Lord - 'Is she a prophet?!' They said this with disgust. After being treated so cruelly for years, things kept escalating - they destroyed my reputation & still persecute me. I left after being slapped in the face after going up for prayers one Friday evening with tears pouring down my face. I wanted nothing more to do with God. I was praying & crying out to Him with tears every day. He kept telling me to praise Him to receive His peace & joy. I felt that this was the most unreasonable & ridiculous thing I ever heard. My family completely turned against me. I was told I needed to find another place to live. My aunt who introduced me to BFM asked my grandaunt I was living with not to allow me to eat after I stopped working for BFM. They knew all the places I frequented, the wash house I went to, the stores I shopped at & every where I went the mocking & laughter continued - I had not one friend. I was struggling & hungry all the time & nobody cared. The bus drivers who I used to ride around with when I was off, talking to them & enjoying the island, started throwing me off the bus with insults - 'I don't want this crazy girl on my bus!!' I was insulted at every turn, still am. I kept hearing messages on worshiping God, not allowing the devil to steal your joy, praise God instead of complaining & be HAPPY!!! Are you kidding?! I was frustrated, I lifted my arms to try to praise & dropped them with tears & said it is impossible. Change the situation & I will praise You. I can not, I can not praise You now! I'm in to much pain. Angie, I was hurting so bad I felt my heart would burst & I would die. I was numb from head to toe with pain, it was almost physical it was so tangible. I wanted to die. After I was slapped I tried to kill myself. Two years after yelling at everyone who kept asking me if I was a christian - "No, I want nothing more to do with God!! I want nothing to do with church!! I want nothing to do with church people!!" I was doing better financially. I sat down to see what was on satellite & if nothing interesting was on - I would watch x-rated movies. I heard something I had not listened to for 2 years, Jakes' music. It was a new channel called the Church Channel. He was about to have a panel discussion with some women. He turned & said,' before we begin, there is someone watching this & you are running from God. You want nothing more to do with God. You want nothing to do with church. You want nothing to do with church people. But God still has HIS HAND ON YOU.' My heart softened & I was grateful God reached out to me before I died & went to a burning hell. I thought right away I would begin to obey God, no matter what. I made praise & worship priority. Things picked up where they left off. I obeyed God this time reasoning that if God made the world with His Word -then if He says I could have joy & peace then I could have joy & peace. His Word has self fulfilling power! I praised God all day & all night. I thanked God for Joy & Peace in Christ. Whenever I felt that sinking feeling on the inside when I was attacked, I asked the Holy Spirit to realign my soul so I would be in agreement with my spirit & the Spirit. I knew my spirit was not the problem. The Holy Spirit witnessed with my spirit but my soul (emotions) was out of sync. I would feel peace fill my soul & felt like I was being lifted out of that hole. I soon had no problem with depression. I only need to hear from or sense the affirmation of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, I recall things God spoke to me or answers I got in prayer. He also spoke to me using Paula White. This is not an endorsement of either ministers - God used them but I do not listen to them. It is funny because they are both friends with Dr.Myles Munroe. I heard her on the same channel for the first time, I do not think she was on TBN yet. The Holy Spirit practically yelled at me, inaudibly, to go & hear her. I was glad she was right in Florida because He was so persistent. I made up my mind to catch a flight over there. I called a local church if they were having any church that night, it was Friday. The lady answered no, but Eddie Long was having a Women's Conference in town & their church was supporting it. She said, Paula White was speaking that night. Imagine my surprise, a woman I never heard of before. I went & she talked about this woman, using a passage in Ezekial who was rejected by family since birth. My father is Haitian, a race looked down on here. I was told by my cousins I did not belong in this country & my grandmother always told me I was not her child. I have a very good looking family & I was not as attractive as they were. They insulted me a lot. She talked about this girl being rejected because of her looks & never receiving the tender,nurturing treatment that children needed. She talked about this woman being rejected by her spiritual leaders & left to die alone. You know most of the time I was in the hospital, no one came to see me. She said but Jesus was passing & saw you lying in your blood & said, 'Live!' He took you & made you beautiful. I cried through the whole message, realizing that God made a distinction between Himself & those mistreating me. I felt He had rejected me. Now all who were used mightily by God seem to face this dilemma - is God with me or not. It is just that the Israelites railed against God & Moses, instead of doing what Jeremiah did, seeking Him in prayer. You will find this in Habakkuk, in the psalms by different psalmist, Peter addresses it & Paul in his letters to the Thessalonian s. We are called to go through suffering. The bible tells us why. Job is the answer, will Job serve you if you take away all his blessings, he will turn against You if you take away all he has, satan accused. Jesus answered it only my true disciples will love me more than this life & those who give up this one will gain another higher one. He talks about those who are offended when persecution comes because of the Word. It is time to love God more & pass this test. Whether or not things change my love for God will burn in my heart. He is my joy. He is my great reward.