I have to write today ,I've missed a lot of key moments & one of them comes to mind as I wonder if I am being heard by God. Things are
becoming very hard. As I thought about this & how tired I feel, I remembered last week friday. I was having praise & worship when I felt
such peace after only two songs. I got the impression that God was pleased & He wanted to let me Know that He heard me & accepted my fast
as a sacrifice & my prayers were like the broken bread at the communion table. I just kept hearing broken bread _ that I was like this
bread. How fast a week can go. I must say that I felt that I should of written these things down then but I was nervous about losing too
much time in the day. I hope that has nothing to do with how hard things are now, my own mistake.
I have had an escalation of attacks against me. I knew I was going to be harassed by the people at the food store at the golden gates
centre. I did expect it & went anyway ,not knowing what else to do. I started out as usual until the minister showed up & asked me how
things were going. "They must be going good , since you keep coming back again & again." He sounded put off. I knew by his attitude he did
not like the fact that I got more money given to me by asking than he did by hacking. The rasta selling peanuts was also embarrassed.
I went on a carmichael road bus for the first time instead of a south beach bus. The bus driver asked where I & the lady on the bus was
going. This is a constant practice by bus drivers when I get on a bus. They are a part of an army that has amassed to put a stop to me,
whatever I'm doing. They formed when I was selling books. How much money I was making was discussed with such angry passion that I could
not ride the bus safely anymore. You would believe I was molesting kids.
When this driver let me & the other lady off the bus, he said, 'So this is where she's going. I hear she's be making all kind of money.
She'll never stop.' Another sign was how the $30 that was given to me by the gentleman from family of faith , was talked about that teusday.
I remembered how the men at the mall at marathon stopped giving just after Marsha gave me $30 there , the same happened that teusday. The
over $70 I made was the talk downtown & at park manor when I got in. I have police cars driving past me wherever I go ,this is not normal.
The people who work in the stores on baystreet are celebrating. One man enthusiastically hollered ,"by the time we're through with her
she is going to get a good job!" Right, like a good job in sales.
Well, that thursday as the men kept walking past me & turning me down , the peanut man ,men who packed groceries & others laughed loud
& hard. Right in front of me ,so I could see. I walked in the store where a cashier had practically all the packing boys around her telling
them what to say & what not to say. A few people from the past showed up mainly from BFM. One classmate from high school who got enthusiastic
greeting from the peanut man & others. High fives were given. The man that had his office in the shopping centre where I worked at sales
came by for an update. I have to remember the people who park their cars beside me & lean back to watch me with great interest.
I left & went to the mall at marathon to try to make the rest of the rent money. I had enough for that day but after one o'clock the next
day they can give your room away, so I like to be ahead. I was yelled at by a number of men. I heard alot of ,"that's the girl there."
The supervisor at Kelly's was very happy that night. I was humiliated. I felt like all the world was closing in on me. I wanted to know if
I could survive. I got a ride from a haitian guy in a small truck. He was sympathetic to the seventh day doctrine. I discussed hebrews with
him ,the passage that talks about shadows of & external regulations that lasted until the time of Christ. He calmed down & shrugged his
shoulders as if reexamining his thoughts.
I got inside & laid down in despair. What was going to happen? I tried to pray in tongues & could not. I tried to sing & the effort made
me want to bawl. I created a playlist on my laptop that consisted of songs of God's peace & His helping hand. I woke at around five in the
morning. I still felt the same & tried the same things. I felt I was heading for the same mountain that I would not be able to out manouver.
I decided to send in a prayer request over the internet. As I wrote I felt better. I looked for a blog & found one that offers a free
outlet. It put things in perspective. I was in high spirits just a few minutes later. I felt God wanted me to write. I pray that they post
my blog. I tried to find a holiness chat room , I found one but I have to be accepted ,weird.
So friday I went downtown singing. The taxi drivers pulled up next to me & leaned back. I moved & soon met the same taxi drivers on the
other side of the street. A short guy in a very used blue car sat watching me for awhile. When a man gave me $20 he pulled off. Then the
police showed up. They made a old man , an alcoholic leave baystreet. They actually lifted him & physically removed him from the streets.
He screamed all the way to the waiting police car. There was an immediate celebration. "The police are cleaning up bay street." The intimation
was obvious. The practice of the police in dealing with me is to go after those aroung me before heading for me. They plan to arrest me or
just harass me. The end result is I'm just making the rent. Going out in the evening until late & in the afternoon the next day.
a part of my journal during a tumultous 40 day fast
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